JUMPING SHIP

There was a time in my marriage, probably lasting about 5-7 years, that I really wanted to jump ship. I had had it. I was in pain and saw no end in sight and wanted out! Today, I am so glad I persevered and can't believe how contented I am, still on the ship!

First, I want to say, there ARE many legitimate reason's to bail out on a marriage. If there is a danger to you or your children through physical or emotional abuse, leaving may be appropriate. Get help making that decision from a person with training in working with abuse. There may be unrelenting addictions, alchohol, drugs, gambling, sexual. Women in these situations can play a role in these addictions continuing and I recommend we learn through Alanon or a counselor if we are involved in enabling behaviors. The ongoing addictions can help us grow out of those behaviors so that we are in a better position to decide if we need to leave. It is estimated that only about one third of the marriages which end are in this category or severly abusive and addictive patterns, and really need to end. The rest of the marriages, two thirds of those that end are the ones I am addressing here.

There is sooooooo much we can do to avoid jumping ship in our marriages.

We first need to stop pointing the finger of blame at our spouses and look at ourselves and grow out of any dysfunctional patterns. If we have been stuck in blame, we probably haven't even begun to consider how we are contributing. This is a humbling, scary and necessary step. (personal experience tells me so)

We have to get away from people who tell us things like "you don't deserve to continue to struggle", or "you deserve better than this", "you can do better than this", "God would want you to be happy", "Kids are resilient, they will be better off without all the fighting and tension". These messages undermine your seeing and growing out of unhealthy patterns and being able to powerfully effect your marriage. Seek out mentors who have persevered in difficult marriages and come out on the other side with joy! Maybe all of the marriages aren't joyous, but we CAN have joy in spite of them!

We need to seek forgiveness of our spouses for any and all hurts and injustices we have caused him and our marriage.

We need to break away from any fixing, teaching, helping or changing behaviors with our spouse. (been there, done that, doesn't work!)

This last point should be first. We need to fully surrender our lives, our marriages, our spouse to the Lord. Give up control, seek God in all things. We need to submit ourselves, our identity, our future, our thoughts, our speech, our actions, our kids, our marriages to the Lord. He needs to become the first and foremost lover of our souls. He needs to be the soul mate that we desire more than life. If we can do these things, even begin down the path of "I am staying, I am not going to jump ship easily" you will be amazed at the possibilities! But you will never see them if you jump! God is so good!