Tuesday, January 12, 2010

THE WINTER OF MY DISCONTENT


I was thinking today how much winter in Wisconsin is like a marriage. We have just come through a brief spell of wicked weather. It has been below zero, getting up to maybe 5 degrees in the daytime. At times the wind has been whipping up and it takes your breath away. Prior to that we had quite a bit of snow for 2-3 days in a row. Today in contrast is a beautiful winter day. The temp is almost balmy at 28, no wind and brilliant sunshine. The air is clear and crisp and I am glad I live here today!

Marriage goes through cycles like the seasons. Of course there is early marriage which is usually a 10, perfect, enjoyable, even giggly. Unfortunately it is also a time of adjustment, suprise and disappointment that you didn't exactly get the spouse that you expected.

It is totally normal to have ups and downs in marriage. They can be due to a change in circumstances which are temporary or permanent. Like career problems, financial setbacks, children, moves, health issues and such. Any of these issues of life can cause stress in a marriage, but it is how we deal with them which determines their long term effect on us and our marriages. We tend to have more difficulty when we were hurt and not given good coping skills in our upbringing. If we didn't have good role models we struggle more. Certainly if there are any circumstances like alcohol, drug use, addictions or mental illness it is more complicated.

There was a very interesting study about marriages out of Ohio State University. They did a study of a large group of couples who were unhappy and wanted to divorce. Half of the couples did divorce, the other half decided not to. They followed up with the group who did not divorce five years later. What they found was astonishing. Of those who had been unhappy and almost divorced, 80% of them were very happy five years later! They questioned them about how they survived, even thrived their winter of discontent.

1. Some had what they called the ENDURANCE ETHIC, where they just outlasted their problems.

2. Another group had the MARITAL WORK ETHIC, just accepting that marriage was work and they continued to plug away.

3. Another group had adopted the PERSONAL HAPPINESS APPROACH, where they sought other ways to experience personal happiness in spite of their difficult marriages.

So, what is the lesson here? I think that we commonly perceive that the struggle we are currently in (the winter) will never change. Often times that is not true. There are many reasons for a winter of discontent. Some of these struggles will resolve or improve over time. With work and skills and attention to growth, or not. It makes me pause and think long and hard if I have done all that I can about surviving, even thriving in the winter in Wisconsin!

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